Saturday, November 29, 2008

what's stopping me now

Its been so quiet today. Too quiet. Cold too. Its been raining. A very quiet rain. I hear if it gets any colder it could mean snow. I don't think it will.

Nothing from Sarah. Nothing.

I feel like a limb of some sort was taken from me and I'm just in the state of shock. I just feel numb. Completely. And I hate that. I know I should talk to her. I have to see her. I want to. I don't think they'll let me, and I wouldn't want to cause a scene.

I got a call from Jen. She wanted to know everything about Sarah. I hung up on her. I don't want to discuss this with her. Her of all people. Maybe it wasn't just one person who did this to Sarah. It was everything. It must have been. The way kids were at school. The looks she got. The things they thought they knew. God, why wasn't I there for her? When did it start to turn so wrong? When I knew I couldn't keep up. Its like running with horses, you know. I just am not that fast. I don't even breathe right when things just keep going like they did.

I'm not that strong. I know this now. And did anyone ever stop to think, "Hey, you must be going through something with your grandmother sick and you having to move in with your Dad." No. My mother never came, and I don't want to see her now. How dare they call her now? Its to late for that. Really.

I could move in with Jay. I don't have to be here. If they'd rather I just go. I can go.

Its like all these strings are pushing and pulling through me, and I have no place to really go. Its all just temporary. Why do I keep forgetting that?


taffy. said...

lots of people live in the moment.
that's when you forget.

anthony luvs johanna said...

So sad..but why would they want him to move. They shouldn't.

dapper kid said...

This was quite sad. I love how the rain can emcompass such a wide range of emotions.

Jocelyn said...

hey thanks for stopping by my blog, I like the collage at the top of yours!I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, I hope that things get better. I'll put you in my prayers.