Friday, November 28, 2008

who would have thought it

I haven't slept all night. What a way to end Thanksgiving. I guess.

I got a call yesterday afternoon. Sarah's in the hospital. It seems she has some sucidial tendencies we didn't know about. And now I'm beginning to think its all my fault. I did this. I - want to stop thinking about it, but I can't. Sarah took a bunch of mother's pain pills and well, she had her stomach pumped. I guess.

Lon went with me. So yeah, nothing's happened with him and Irma yet.

I guess he's beating himself up too. You know, what do you do? What do you say? Its so sad. And yet, I'm not sure what I can say. It just comes down to the fact maybe Sarah just needs some alone time with herself. I'm not sure.

Why did I even go last night? I didn't talk to her.

I don't think she'll be at school next week because she's going somewhere to get the help she needs. This so freaky. And I would have never thought it would come to this. Why?

OK, maybe I know why. Cause I was not being nice. I wasn't being horrible, either. I don't think I was. Maybe I was. I just don't know.

Maybe Lon still has feelings for her. He kept going on about everything that ever happened when he was with Sarah. And how he feels sure he's to blame. But then he goes on to tell me, neither of us need to have to put up with somebody like Sarah in our life. It was something his mother had told him.

You know, that if somebody keeps bringing you down, how are you ever going to be productive in your own life? If you're in a relationship with someone, it needs to be somebody who's going to be positive instead of negative. I get it. I guess. Just I don't think Sarah was always negative. I can't put our whole relationship like an equation and deduct a formula from it, you know.

My eyeballs feel like they might fall out. I should get some sleep. I hope I can sleep. I hope Sarah gets better too. I hope she doesn't hate me, but if she does, I understand.


Cait said...

I feel really bad about this. I do. But I think its a relief for Lonnie. Maybe.

taffy. said...

poor boy.
i hope it isn't actually his fault.

Cate said...

Oh shit. You really don't know what to do in situations like these, nor what to say. And it's only natural that Lonnie now has a conflict with his conscience, that it was all because he didn't call her and everything... But I don't think it was entirely his fault. Maybe parts of it, but not all. When someone tries to commit suicide, the reason for it is everything and nothing. And usually people around the suicidal ones don't suspect anything, because those who whine all the time that they want to commit suicide aren't the ones that actually do it in the end.
I don't think Lonnie needs to blame himself. Suicidal tendencies are either there or they aren't, and if Sarah didn't have them, she wouldn't have committed suicide, however horrible Lonnie would have been to her.