Monday, January 5, 2009

the letter

Dear Lonnie,

I would have called if I could, but they didn't seem to think that was wise to do with everything considered. You know, people who run this place. And I'm sorry about that. I would have really loved to hear you voice, but I guess that would have been too emotional for me. I dunno.

I just want you to know. Its not your fault. None of it is your fault.

You're a great guy, and I took advantage of you. I did. And I expected too much too soon. I know. And I'm sorry. I really am.

I thought that I loved you. There are so many things I love about you. Its just, I don't know if I've earned that right to tell you I love you.

Its complicated. I'm complicated. Lots of stupid crap in my life keep getting in the way. And it just makes me miserable, sometime. Maybe it was the holidays. Maybe it was the thought that I thought you were all that I needed to make me happy. And maybe I put too much pressure on you. I dunno. Its probably all those things.

The fact is...I don't love me. I don't love anything about me. And yeah, maybe I deserved somebody like Lon who was a stupid ass jerk for the most part. I remember at the time we met, I was like a crazy fool about him. And he didn't care about me. I don't think he even cared about himself. And then the baby thing happened. And I know it all has a lot to do with that. I'm still pretty emotional about that. And yeah, I did a cruel thing, blaming it all on Lon and getting him in jail when it didn't really help, either one of us.

I'm going to try to be a better person. I am. So that means leaving you alone.

Just promise me you'll take your time with who ever comes along. Don't rush into anything. Try to remember the little things. Like holding hands and talking. Doing things for each other. Its the little things that mean a lot. Remember that. Remember you've got the sweetest smile, and I know you'll have plenty of girls wanting to go out with you. I'll do my best not to envy them. I will.

I think of you a lot. Wish I could see you. But its best I work this out on my own.




blue hearts said...

I think it was a wise choice. Good stuff.

cady said...

Aww. Well. At least she's honest.

Thanks for the comment.

Cate said...

That was better than I imagined. She's become sensible... And I wonder what will happen to her now. After a letter like this, being Lonnie, I wouldn't know what to say to her if I ever saw her again. This letter is so... Wise.

Cate said...

When have you started school? Here is my 'School' playlist for you!
1 - Munecas de Porcelana by Don Omar
2 - Barrowland Ballroom by Amy MacDonald
3 - Také Sarava by Sylvia Torres
4 - God, That's Good! from the Sweeney Todd Soundtrack
5 - L'Aurora by Eros Ramazzotti
6 - This Velvet Glove by Red Hot Chili Peppers
7 - Ein Kompliment by Sportfreunde Stiller
8 - Green Finch and Linnet Bird from the Sweeney Todd soundtrack
9 - The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves
10 - Year of the Cat by Lemonheads
11 - Final Straw by R.E.M.
12 - Cuéntame Qué Te Pasó by Pepe and the Bottle Blondes
13 - Staring at the Sun by The Offspring
14 - Samba Luku Samba by Ricardo Lemvo and Makina Loca

taffy. said...

So reassuring.
Sarah, i found myself proud of her.

taffy. said...

So reassuring.
Sarah, i found myself proud of her.

Cate said...

Hey, no problem!! I LOVE putting together playlists!!