Thursday, July 30, 2009

don't even think about it

Its going to be Ellie's birthday, and she didn't even mention it to me. I don't why she's like that. I know she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. But she'll be 18. Almost 21. Well, 18 should be really big even if 21 is bigger, but then you feel the need to get shitfaced. What does that exactly accomplish? OK, yeah, I've been there. But this is 18 and well, I pretty much treated it like I was 21 at the time. Yeah, I'm not quite as stupid as I used to be.

But I want this to be nice. You know. Sweet. Cause she is really sweet, and she means so much to me. How do you say something like that without gushing or going too far? Its just... am I sure about her?

I really thought I had everything in place with Irma. I mean, it was more talk than anything. She was really crazy about me. And she was amazing. Smart. Just adorable. But that was a time I thought she could fix my life and well, I really was trying to get away from Sarah. You know.

Live and learn. Live and learn. I sort of left things hanging with Irma. When Sarah did that number on Lonnie. I just wanted to take the blame. You know, how she was. Now I know it wasn't my fault entirely, but still I felt I owed her. We had a history. A rotten one. And yes, I was pretty much a jack ass. Not that I actually ever got violent with her. But there were times, it was like she could push all the wrong buttons, and it was if she got off on that sort of thing. Really, it was all toxic. But we turned it around. Maybe. She seemed better, you know after she got pregnant again. I always thought that's what it was. You know, she was hung up on what had happened.

God, why am I thinking about this?

Its a fresh start with Ellie and I want to make the most of it. Not think about the past. Because I'm not going back to it. I won't. I am happy. I can really smile about everything. She just has this way. And I can I make her happy too. I can see it in the way she looks at me. I know I'm just as good for her as she is for me.

So I'm going to make her birthday, possibly silly and well, a laugh, if nothing else. I'm going to do what feels natural. And it will be her day.


em said...

Oh this will be interesting to see what he does.

kirstyb said...

Thats was alot to take on xoxoxox

taffy. said...

aww, i hope this birthday is excellent.

Winnie said...

I think Ellie is lucky that someone will be making sure she is having a laugh on her birthday!