Friday, August 21, 2009

it doesn't go away

Man, I had this late night conversation with Nick. I don't know why we were talking. I mean, he looked so upset. He'd been crying. I thought he might be sick.

God, I got started talking about Sarah. I don't know why. I mean, really, she hasn't been on mind. Not really. Just Charlie.

But here I am saying to him that I should be a father, already. I was suppose to be a father. I could have been. Actually, the time it happened, I don't think I would have had a second thought about it. But I didn't really know. Maybe I wouldn't have been all angst if I'd known then, but I probably would have. I didn't really know until Sarah already lost it. That was such a blow. I can't tell you how awful I felt and talk about a million little pieces. Shit. I was so heart broken. Just an idiot, I bet. And I didn't know what to do with myself. Just made things worse. Especially, between us. She's a little pyscho, anyway. Well, I still think that. I knew that. Especially, the second time around. I knew her and I didn't care. When I found out, I was like, well, I'm going to be there for you. Just am. I need to be. As it was she had no one. Just me.

And there I was telling Nick all this. Like you have to be there for them. You just have to. No matter how miserable it can get, you just have to be there like a rock. Something like that. And well, I guess Nick listened. Maybe.

I don't know what kind of shit he's gotten into. But I think he's got it bad for someone. The wrong one, no doubt. But I think he'd be a rock for them. He would. By the look of him, I think there's a change. You know, like something to live for. Maybe not who ever it is he's got these feelings for. But for himself. You know, aware of what he's going to do to go on. And he could be ready for the next time. The next time.

Yeah, who knows, just me saying shit, I guess.

I just get this feeling I am a father. It just won't go away.


cait said...

I think that would be hard to come to terms with something like that. Thats so emotional. Maybe its good he talked about it with Nick.

the oaks said...

He really has a way of expressing how he feels about Charlie...even more than I imagined.

em said...

That must be a weird feeling.

e.l. said...

I think of Lon feeling this loss he had from the first time when he found out he was going to be a dad and perhaps he feels its his fault what happened then it was that that prompted him to want to take care of Charlie to begin with when he found out Sarah was going to have him.

Emily Anne said...

I love that you started a Lon love! I was always so intrigued by his character. I miss your great writing and it feels awesome to be back in the blogosphere! Dont hesitate to stop by my blog and give me a visit sometime!

Much love.