Sunday, May 23, 2010

just can't help myself

Yes, I'm keeping something from Lon at the moment. Maybe I'm just mad at him.

I mean, to hear about him and my cousin A cousin I don't even know, years ago. And they may have a daughter. Together. I can't help it. I'm bitter. I am. Its that simple.

I don't want to be this way, but I am.

And Charlie. God, I do love him. I do. But this is so trying right now. Its like an illness all of its own. Worrying about this thing with Lon and Reese.

I can't sleep. I try. I do. And, then I start to think about me and whats to come. The timing in all this. God, I don't want to worry. I can't. I shouldn't. I deserve to be happy too.

A part of me feels like I'm turning into my mother. I don't want to be her. I really don't. She's so bitter. And this kind of thing could make me so bitter.

I just have to sort this out. Regroup. Be happy. If only it were that easy. If only. But it isn't.

You know how it is, you can think it. Say it. All the right things...but not until you can feel it that it can actually become what it is. You know, the forgiving stuff.

I don't know how many times, I've wanted to forgive my Mom for all the things she's done. And I can't. I really can't. I want to. I do. But she won't try. She's her same old self. She isn't trying to change. So why should I?

I don't mean to be this way. I really don't. I do love Lon. I do. I feel safe with him. He makes me smile. He makes me feel I'm with the right person. I do want us to get past this. We have too. We just do.

-Ellie

8 comments:

fan fic said...

i feel for her.

meg said...

so sad.

so jade said...

I do hope they'll see how they need each other.

Kristin said...

Sounds brutal!

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joven said...

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ori said...

wow.