Thursday, May 26, 2011

how could I

I'm almost thinking I might need antidepressants to get through summer.

Its tough. School is out. And Hannah is off with the kids in the neighborhood. Lon thinks I'm over reacting. But I don't want anything to happen to Hannah. I'm a little uneasy. If not that. Charlie.

God....he got out yesterday. I see him across the street and he's acting like he is as old as they are. Following them around. Well, this girl who is about four going on 16, by the way she dresses, and flicks her hair behind her shoulder, just lets him follow her around, everywhere. Hannah is nowhere. Off on her bike with Caleb.

Did I scare my mother this much when I was growing up? I want to pull my hair out. Its so hard, keeping up with those 2 and Zoe to care for. She likes to be held. But that's probably my fault.

And then, I guess I wanted a pity party. I dunno. I got into it with Lon. It wasn't about the kids.

I dunno why I brought it up. It was about Reese. Its been on my mind for a very long time now. And it made me cry. I shouldn't of asked.  But I did.

Is the only reason he's with me ..is..is because I make him think of Reese?

I know, how could I bring that up? How could I? I dunno. Things are a mess. And..and I just don't feel...like I'm me, anymore. Like I became someone else. I'm not like I was when we first met. You know, I felt certain about me. Then. Like I could do anything. And Lon..my God..I was ..possibly too crazy about him. He was just someone..who filled me with laughter. And seriously, I do love him. I count on him for so much. But I'm beginning to see..the way he counts on me, too.

Then I go and ask something like that? How could I?

He's mad at me now. He's not talking to me.

A part of me, thinks I should just stay here. Not go to Reese's wedding. But I want to get away from this too. I dunno how much more I can take of this. Worrying.

I shouldn't have said that to him. I shouldn't have. Why do I do these things? Its like I want him to be mad at me.

-Ellie

8 comments:

Winnie said...

I think it's interesting about wondering if you ever scared your mother growing up. I always wonder the same with my parents as me and my sister who are close in age were a nightmare to look after!

meg said...

Hopefully all will be better soon.

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Cuppykirsten said...

Beautifully written <3

With love, Kirsten

Cuppykirsten said...

Beautifully written <3

With love, Kirsten

Ana Degenaar said...

I hope everything is better soon. Amazing writing. I love your blog. Newbie here!

glee said...

Sounds familiar to me. Sometimes I have a need to make my husband angry or irritated. Unavoidable but really, just a waste of time.

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